Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The day we came home

We had gotten home from the hospital and were met by so many wonderful people. We had family, friends and people from Hospice. We were so glad to be home and to love on our sweet little angel. It was a long day signing paperwork from Hospice and getting the medical equipment that we needed. My dad was here from Virginia and my mom was here from Tampa. After a long day we finally got to settle down a bit. Steven and I were in the bedroom rearranging things when Devin came in and said something is wrong with Caleb. We rushed in and he looked blue & dusky. We immediately put oxygen on him and called Hospice. While we waited for the nurse to come out Steven just held Caleb. He has crying and pleading for God to please not take his son. We sat together holding Caleb...was this the way it was going to all end?? It broke my heart. I cried and was so scared. Caleb looked so lifeless and gray. We tried stimulating him but nothing was working. I was worried about Devin too, he was trying to hide under the bed he was so scared. Finally Hospice got here and called out a crisis nurse. After what seemed like forever Caleb came around. Pam, our nurse took over and allowed us to get a couple of hours sleep. God blessed us with another day.

Friday, March 20, 2009

The day we finally met our little angel

It is almost 6 am. I'm 43 weeks pregnant. We are on our way to the hospital. Didn't sleep very well, really anxious. Scared of what is to come. Really tired emotionally. There is almost a peace about this day. I can't wait to see my little angel's face. We are still praying for a miracle. God will show us His Will soon. I'm ready...I think.

Family, friends, Pastor Mike, have all shown up to be with us. It is wonderful having everyone here. I was suppose to go in at 9 am. But didn't, it was more like 11:30. I was terrified, but the medical staff was fabulous.

I didn't want any medication that would make me sleepy, I wanted to be totally awake, I didn't know how much time I would have. The anesthesiologist kept asking if I wanted anything to help me relax when we were getting started. I think I was making him crazy or he was worried about what was about to happen. The drape was up, I couldn't see anything except for Steven's face. I started to have chest pains...very painful. The anesthesiologist said it is time to have something. It was to just take the edge off. I then heard something crinkly. I asked what that is. The Dr. said it was them cutting..I said, they started..she said we are almost done. The breath was taken right out of me. I started crying and looked at Steven. We held hands. Then I just saw Steven's face fill with tears. Then I heard an amazing sound...my son cried. I told Steven to go with him. I'd be ok. He came back & said he is wonderful, he peed on the nurse! I asked how he looked...he smiled and said he is perfect...he has an extra thumb. The medication started to wipe me out. The next thing I new they put us in a room to recover and all my friends and family were able to be there. The hospital was so wonderful in accomodating us. Immediately after getting into the room, Pastor Mike performed the Baptism. It was beautiful. Shortly after Wendy took amazing pictures of Caleb. She was given a room to do the pictures.

I tried to nurse but Caleb wasn't able to latch on. It was too difficult and he was hungry. So they put a tube in his nose that went into his stomach to feed. An ng tube. Now he can rest.

Steven wrote this in the journal

Today my little Caleb was born, he was more beautiful than I could have hoped for. God answered all my prayers about today. We've had many family and friends here to share in our joy. Caleb was just so perfect and strong. Everytime I see him my heart fills so much and I'm overwhelmed with love and joy. I would not give up this experience and time to get to know Caleb for anything in the world. God has inspired me today beyond expectations and reassures me that God can work amazing wonders.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The day before we meet Caleb

Steven & I got up & started cleaning....getting everything ready. I had my moments of feeling scared & cried. I'm ready to meet Caleb but also sad because of the unknown, how long will I have to hold him. I've done all I can do to care for him to give him the best chance possible. Now it is up to God. I stood in the shower and wrapped my arms around my belly. I cried and talked to Caleb...this may be the last time I will feel him alive. Oh how my heart aches. I just fall to my knees (not literally because I wouldn't be able to get up), I need you God more than ever. I can't do this alone. Please, please carry me through this.
Mom came up about 4. She is doing ok. I think she is doing better than I am. But she is scared. She is trying to be strong for me. Dad came in from VA. at about 6:30 and we all went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. We had a nice time. So many people called us...we feel so loved. I spoke to a dear friend that I had met through this journey, Dyane. We both just cried. We all tried to get some sleep...it was hard.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Doctor's Appt.

I'm at 42 weeks and I'm praying that the doctor tells me I've dilated enough to be induced. Dr. Richards really doesn't want me to have a csection. His concern is that I will have a csection and be left with a hard recovery without having my baby to hold. I am struggling with this. Is my life more important than Caleb's? Who am I to make these decisions? The night before I prayed so hard. Asking God to please give me a sign on what to do. That morning I woke up and told Steven that I need to have another ultrasound. It is just weighing on my heart. When we went in to the doctor there was no change. I was so disappointed. I asked the dr. to please do another ultrasound. He asked me what was I hoping to gain from it. I said I didn't know but I wanted to see my son again...it may be the last time we would see our son alive. He agreed. During the ultrasound we all just laughed at how active he was. Dr. Richards said that he had long hair and looked good. There were still the issues with the heart and other things but he kept it really positive. I was so happy for that. He took the measurements and left the room. When he came back in he had a big smile on his face. He sat down and said that Caleb was measuring about 6lbs 5oz. That is really big for a baby with t18. Steven & I just laughed and were overjoyed. The dr. then said that he was comfortable doing the csection now, that he felt it was the best thing. God is so good...He gave me the sign I was looking for.

Last ultrasound before we met Caleb

The morning this u/s was taken I had prayed to God to please help me with the decsion on a csection or a vbac. I was already over 41 weeks & so torn on what to do. My Dr. wanted a vbac bc his concern was me being in the hospital longer w/out my baby (what we thought would happen). I also wanted another opportunity to see our son...it may be our last to see him alive. Once again you can hear the conversations between me & the Dr. on Caleb's condition. After the u/s the Dr. came out & said he's measuring about 6lbs 5 oz!! We laughed & cried bc that is pretty big for a t18. Then he said he was pretty comfortable w/a csection so let's schedule it. At 43 wks we met our beautiful son, Caleb. He was 6 lbs 5 oz. I'm so glad our Dr. allowed us to video tape our ultrasounds. I would encourage families to do the same..they are cherished moments of a precious life.