Thursday, April 16, 2009

Gtube Placement & Falling In Love

We had just had our appointments with Caleb's Cardiologist and Pediatrician. Dr. Kerns (Caleb's Pediatrician) had suggested that we get the ng tube out and have a gtube put in instead. That we have a window of opportunity to get it done while Caleb's pulmonary pressures were good. By the time we got home we had a message saying they were able to admit us later and have the surgery the next day. Everything seemed so fast but we knew we needed to move forward. The ng tube was just irritating his nose making it hard for him to breathe.
We arrived at the hospital and got settled in. I was a nervous wreck. We met with the cardiac anethesiologist. He probably thought I was a basket case. I kept crying saying I didn't want to do this....he just said well you don't have to ma'am. He had a very dry personality. I just snapped at him and said I know I don't but I have to...this may be his only opportunity. We got all the paperwork done and we finally got to relax. I curled up in the crib with him and we cuddled. It was my first experience with monitors. They kept going off all night long & I would smack my head up against the metal railing. Needless to say there wasn't much rest. The next day they got him ready for surgery. Dr. Islam (Ped Surgery) is wonderful. He kept telling me everything would be fine. That it was a simple surgery. But my heart was hurting so bad. I just couldn't stop crying. I think a lot of it was guilt. Up until this point I was finding it so hard to bond with Caleb. My heart broke because I so desperately wanted to be close to my son. I guess I was just protecting myself. I was so scared he was going to die. Now I found myself going into survival can I help him live. I just laid by him and prayed. I begged God to please let him live. To please give me another chance to love him the way he deserved to be loved. I always loved him but now I was in love with him. Surgery went well. He had a couple of apnea spells but this is when he was introduced to caffeine. It worked wonderfully. It was so hard to see him hooked up to so many wires and tubes. But he made it. Thank you God for giving me another chance. Oh how I love my son. We were in the hospital for about 5 days. He is such a fighter. I had family in from Texas and my father in from Virginia. I don't think they were thinking they would be spending their vacation at the hospital. My cousin's husband is a Pastor in Texas, it was so nice having them there.
My beautiful son, I love you so very much. I promise to fight right along with you. You are so amazing. You are so loved.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The day we thought Caleb was going Home

Steven, me, my mom & Devin were having lunch. I looked over at Steven, he was with the baby. I could tell something was wrong. I asked him if everything was ok, he just shook his head no. My heart sank. I ran over to him and we headed to the bedroom where the oxygen was. Caleb was lifeless and gray. We immediately started oxygen and stimulation. Nothing was working. Devin walked in like he was a pro at this and asked where the phone is bc he needs to call Pa (my dad). We called Hospice and our nurse Stephanie came by. She is wonderful. After some time Stephanie said it is time to pray and we asked if we should be calling our family to come over. She said yes. His breathing and heart rate had changed. There is no way to explain how I was feeling. I just layed next to my son and begged for him to not fight. It has been several hours now. Family & friends came by and sat with us. He continued to go up and done...but never was there a period where he responded. He was just limp. As the day went on Stephanie said that I need to tell him it's ok. He is so tired. I just couldn't seem to pull it all together. I kissed his little face and told him that mommy loves him and that I would be ok...that it is ok to go Home. We called Pastor Mike and he and an Elder, Bob came by. It was about 7:30 PM. Shortly after they got there, Caleb decided to turn pink again and start moving. Praise the Lord! I told them they had to stay the night :) We were all exhausted but so incredibly elated that we had our little Caleb back.