Gtube Placement & Falling In Love

We had just had our appointments with Caleb's Cardiologist and Pediatrician. Dr. Kerns (Caleb's Pediatrician) had suggested that we get the ng tube out and have a gtube put in instead. That we have a window of opportunity to get it done while Caleb's pulmonary pressures were good. By the time we got home we had a message saying they were able to admit us later and have the surgery the next day. Everything seemed so fast but we knew we needed to move forward. The ng tube was just irritating his nose making it hard for him to breathe.

We arrived at the hospital and got settled in. I was a nervous wreck. We met with the cardiac anethesiologist. He probably thought I was a basket case. I kept crying saying I didn't want to do this....he just said well you don't have to ma'am. He had a very dry personality. I just snapped at him and said I know I don't but I have to...this may be his only opportunity. We got all the paperwork done and we finally got to relax. I curled up in the crib with him and we cuddled. It was my first experience with monitors. They kept going off all night long & I would smack my head up against the metal railing. Needless to say there wasn't much rest. The next day they got him ready for surgery. Dr. Islam (Ped Surgery) is wonderful. He kept telling me everything would be fine. That it was a simple surgery. But my heart was hurting so bad. I just couldn't stop crying. I think a lot of it was guilt. Up until this point I was finding it so hard to bond with Caleb. My heart broke because I so desperately wanted to be close to my son. I guess I was just protecting myself. I was so scared he was going to die. Now I found myself going into survival mode....how can I help him live. I just laid by him and prayed. I begged God to please let him live. To please give me another chance to love him the way he deserved to be loved. I always loved him but now I was in love with him. Surgery went well. He had a couple of apnea spells but this is when he was introduced to caffeine. It worked wonderfully. It was so hard to see him hooked up to so many wires and tubes. But he made it. Thank you God for giving me another chance. Oh how I love my son. We were in the hospital for about 5 days. He is such a fighter. I had family in from Texas and my father in from Virginia. I don't think they were thinking they would be spending their vacation at the hospital. My cousin's husband is a Pastor in Texas, it was so nice having them there.

My beautiful son, I love you so very much. I promise to fight right along with you. You are so amazing. You are so loved.