I guess today is one of those days....feeling sad, jealous, angry and guilty for feeling like this. I know I will have these days. I look at my precious baby boy and I wonder why I can't have a lifetime with him. I don't care if you ever walk..I'll carry you wherever you want or need to go. I don't care if you ever talk...I can look in your eyes or listen to your laugh or to your cries and know what you are feeling. I don't care if my every waking moment is spent caring for you as long as I can just have you to hold. People tell me that I should feel blessed because I've had more time with Caleb than I ever imagined. If you knew that tomorrow was possibly the last time you would ever see your child...would you be ok with that? I know I am blessed but I have a mother's heart and I want more tomorrows. You have hope that your child will live a long long life. My hope is to have one more moment. I'm not mad at God....I'm just mad. The bad days are hard but the good days are even harder...because I don't know why my son has to go through this. I know God will reveal that to me one day...maybe not this side of Heaven but someday. I can never kiss you enough my son, I can never hold you enough or smell your tiny little head enough. You are so precious to me and my heart aches because I cannot fix what is broken...but I promise you I will give you all the love that I have....you have stolen this mother's heart.
Big hugs, Caleb is always on my prayer list.
ReplyDeleteYour heart mirrors mine in so many ways. This post brought tears to my eyes. As mothers we want our children to have EVERYTHING. So while yes you are blessed to have had Caleb for the time you have......that does not mean your heart does not long for more. Not being able to fix what is broken has been one of the things that continues to eat away at me with Makily. It's a helpless feeling....and it sucks.
ReplyDeletePraying for you always.
We're never going to have enough, are we? My Lily is almost 9 months old. It's 9 months more than I thought I'd ever have, and she's certainly beaten the odds as Caleb has, but I, too, will always want more. The scary part is that the more she's here with us, the more attached we get, and I'm afraid of THAT pain if we lose her. In the meantime, let's hold on to our precious, fragile little ones and shower them with our love. I don't know about Caleb, but Lily is spoiled rotten!
ReplyDeleteI may not know Caleb but he is a warrior.. a mighty warrior.. i'll always be praying. your strength inspires..
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