Remembering 2011

We had a good night having a picnic in the middle of the living room, watching Gomer Pyle movies and then lighting off some fireworks.  Daddy bought a bunch of fireworks to make this New Years extra special for Devin...the whole night was just for him...whatever he wanted to do.  Corey was visiting with his mother this New Years.  Wish he was able to be here with us, but we can do it again next year :)

It seemed like it was just yesterday that we were celebrating New Years....one with our Caleb.  It's hard to imagine that he has been gone for 4 months.  Caleb was so missed this holiday season...but then again he is missed everyday.  Not a moment goes by that he isn't thought of.  I have heard from many people that they wish me a better year this year.  And I know that they say this because they care for us and want the best for our family.  But I truly loved last year.  Even with Caleb passing away.  There were so many wonderful moments.  He celebrated his 2nd birthday, we went on vacations, we took walks, snuggled, and just spent time loving and laughing with each other.  I wouldn't trade one moment.  And even during his last moments on this earth, as I laid my hand on his chest feeling every breath he took...I wouldn't wish that moment to go away...I'd do anything to have that moment again..to have that last nap.  We cherished every moment and even through the heartache, we had many blessings, many memories, so much happiness.  May God Bless all my family and friends, keeping their families safe, healthy and blessing them with wonderful memories to last a lifetime.  Cherish each moment, they are too precious.  Happy New Year!!

Christmas Eve...missing our sweet Caleb

Today has been a very tough day.  I think it has really hit me that Caleb won't be here with us this Christmas.  I just couldn't stop crying.  We went to Christmas Eve service at church.  I couldn't breathe.  I remember Caleb moving to the music last year...doing his very best Stevie Wonder.  I loved sharing these beautiful moments with Caleb, with our family, with our friends.  I cried through the whole service, but that was ok, because I was surrounded by so many people who care for us & love us.  They have walked beside us in our journey.  We are so Blessed with the gift of family and amazing friendships.  There are so many heavy hearts this season.  So many lil' ones gone too soon. I pray for all these beautiful families.  God Bless you all...... 

Philly Trip: "You Are My Sunshine"

During our speech in Philadelphia, we mentioned how Caleb was surrounded by friends and family before he went into the arms of Jesus.  We sang "You are my sunshine".  Our son Devin, use to sing this to Caleb so often.  After we were done speaking, Gianna Jessen, who was also speaking at the Pro-Life Conference asked if she could sing this song in honor of Caleb.  We were so touched and happily said "OF COURSE :)".  Gianna's story is absolutely amazing too.  She is a beautiful person with the sweetest spirit.  Danielle Rose, who travels the world as a Music Missionary joined Gianna in singing.....what an honor it was to have these Godly women sing to our precious son Caleb.  They are the kind of women that you want to hang out with....always.  Getting to know them brought us so much peace and healing.  There aren't enough thank you's to express how much it meant to Steven and I.

 "........ coming from an orphan's background, it was the most amazing thing to watch a father weep for love of his son. i have never seen that, we hugged each other."  This is part of a post that Gianna made on her page that day.  We cannot express how much this meant to Steven.  Often father's are left in the background and people forget that they hurt too.  Thank you so much Gianna. 

Philly trip: Speaking at the Pro-life conference

Steven & I were asked to speak at a Pro-life conference in Philadelphia.  We were honored to be asked to be a part of such a wonderful event.  However, we weren't sure that we were ready to make this trip.  It is still so new in our grieving for our precious son.  But when we saw the title of the conference we knew that this could only be orchestrated by God "Born This Way? Made This Way...Wonderfully (Psalm 139)"  Psalm 139 is what we used in all of Caleb's parties, Celebration of Life, etc.  And how often are you asked to go across country to speak at a conference, especially by a caring and compassionate Dr.?  So we did.  We met some of the most amazing people.  I would like to think that this conference was about making a difference in other people lives...and we pray that we touched even one person.  But I truly think this was more about us this time.  God knew we were struggling in this part of our grieving process. Lots of doubts, lots of questions and a lot of saddness.  He brought these amazing people into our lives that were part of the conference...it was like God brought them together and we were surrounded by this huge hug.  For that we are so grateful.  I have much more to write about...so much more to share...but for now I will share the video of us speaking.  I will tell you that I had this whole speech prepared in my head on what to say...but before we went on, they played the video of Caleb.  Steven & I lost it.  So when we went up to speak, I just had to throw everything out the window and speak from the heart.  It was so hard because our hearts are still in a million pieces.....but we also knew we were surrounded by so many amazing people that were there to support us...and each other. I am especially proud of Steven for getting up and speaking....this I know was hard for him.  But he did a beautiful job....I am blessed to  be walking hand in hand with him in this journey.  We continue the healing process.  I will write more on our experiences on this trip...sharing more videos & pictures.  We are so incredibly blessed.

I got his in the mail today from Caleb's buddy, Lane (35 months old, also has trisomy 18). I LOVE IT. The Caleb Bear is the same weight as when Caleb was born... 6lbs 5ozs. It came with a cape and blanket. I cried..it was like snuggling with Caleb again. I'm going to snuggle with him tonight. He is in the crib right now. Who knows I may just jump into the crib with him!!! The bear was made by another special mommy Katie Weaver. Thank you so much Alisha and Katie .....I love you

My first dream of Caleb....

Last night I had a horrible nightmare...I kept screaming "no" & hugging Steven. I don't remember what it was about but Steven said it lasted a while. I do remember the feeling of panic. I fell back to sleep. Then in the morning I had another dream...this time I remember so vividly our sweet baby Caleb. He was smiling soooo big & sitting on daddy's lap...but he was breathing hard & could see his chest pulling with each breath. I felt like he was saying to me that he was alright. His big smiles always gave me so much hope that everything would be ok. He was absolutely perfect to me...I never focused on his ailments....always celebrated his achievements & milestones. But he did have some issues & he was reminding me of that....that he put up such a great fight. He did so well & overcame things that just amazed me. But now he can rest & I have to find comfort...peace in that somehow. We are so proud of him & love him so very much. I know satan is trying to steal my peace & fill me with doubts & saddness. I won't let him do it....I will fight, my son taught me how :)

Being Strong?

People often say that I am so strong.....I really am not. I wonder from moment to moment how life will go on. How do I find joy in my life. Will there be a day that I don't feel like this? I have so much to be grateful for. I had my son for 2 1/2 yrs. I knew his life would be short....but it is still not easy. I miss him more and more each day. It gets harder with each passing moment...not easier. I don't want sorrow or pity...I want a bandaid sent from Heaven...I want to not hurt so incredibly bad. My son brought us so much laughter, love & happiness...so what is it that I want? Would it have been easier if he had a hard life?? Of course not! So where are the answers...what am I trying to find? I look at this world so differently now. This isn't my home...just a rest stop. I want to feel like I use to. So abundantly Blessed. Selfish, I know. Grief is such a strange thing. I find myself missing things that just don't make a lot of sense: I haven't been to the grocery store since before Caleb went into the hospital. When I use to go to Publix after Steven got home, it would be my quiet time. I would go shop, call when on my way home, walk in, see Caleb sitting with daddy & just smile. It was my routine. I miss the hospital, the dr's & the nurses. I can't go toward Gainesville because I start having anxiety. I miss parking in handicap spaces...not because of conveniences...but it meant I had a really special baby on board. When I leave the house my anxiety level goes through the roof...I want to be at home...where I had been for 3 yrs. I don't know of any place more important to be than at home and caring for my son. I don't need fancy clothes, glamorous hair, or a night out on the town. But I guess I need to learn how to be a wife and mother again. Strange huh?? Eventhough, I know I feel like I'm the only one going through this, I know that I'm not..there have been those who walked this road before me, with me & will go through it after me. I pray for joy, laughter, love & life....not only for myself but for everyone around me who is also grieving. I miss my son...I miss his smile....there are just no answers...just time I guess, I pray.